[1/9/2013]
I intended to start blogging again before the new year came. I also intended to do a lot of homework and studying before getting to this procrastinated post. Good going, Rach. The various conflicting voices screaming and echoing in my mind have caused me to push everything aside- for what? I haven't done anything about anything.
I made a half-hearted new year's "resolution" to get healthier, in every way.
So far, I've only worsened. Since mid-December, I'd lost over 13 pounds. That doesn't sound like a terrible thing, but because I'm little over 5'9"ish, weighing under 100 got dangerous; though no one noticed because I somehow don't look like it at all. When I was undressed and in front of my mirror, however, it was interesting to once again see the bones that haven't been that visible in quite a while. This past week, I've been eating anything I can bring myself to so I can purposely gain all of it back just because I got tired of being sofuckingcold all the time, and I'm pretty sure I've succeeded at something for the first time this year.
-I'll give myself ten more minutes for this post-
As I sat alone drinking tea like I had for all of winter break, I happened to glance at the television after the glowing light-up new year's ball thingie did it's dropping thing. I zoned out while my eyes watched the flurry of confetti cover Times Square, and I suddenly remembered that one of those colorful paper squares had a very important wish of mine penned on it. While I was in NYC, I discovered a box of the New Year confetti in the corner of a shop in Times Square, and I dropped my fervent wish into a box where it was held until last week. I really want to remember what I wished for. Maybe it really wasn't that important. The only thing I remember about it is that I was nearly crying as I wrote it. Anyway, I played with the thought of one of those televised faces getting my confetti stuck in their hair or eye or whatever and reading the wish and the name next to it.
Later, I will talk about my hatred of my own recent emotional neediness and how I think it's time for me to die again.
i'm pretty sure we're metaphorical-war buddies, in THIS universe. the internal battles are way harder than the external (though the two are usually interconnected).
ReplyDeletei have always had trouble understanding how some of my self-exposures (i.e. posts) have caused others pain (the empathetic kind). i no longer have trouble with that because of your blog, so thank you for baring your soul.
before, i read your blog to find if there was anything i could do to brighten your life at all (whether by making it less sad or by revealing something important). but now i think you have gained a lifelong reader for selfish reasons as well. if that is ok.
i feel somewhat mirrored in these words. i hope to express that in a more useful way before long.
WE DID IT
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