...Master of None

If i were ever asked the question, "If you could go back in time and change anything in your life, what would you change?" The screwiest of my experiences would inevitably come to mind. However, I don't think that i would try to reverse or change those ones.

I would still allow into my life for two years the two people who enabled me to trade my trust, integrity, truth, and everything i (and anyone else) could ever like about myself for what i can only describe as almost complete destruction of my mind. I'm still not done cleaning that up. I wouldn't go back to evade the painful consequences, either.

I wouldn't undo my choice to date the guy who got off on emotionally and occasionally physically hurting me.

I wouldn't go back and take that Lit. class that i ran out of just because it gave me the anxious-barfies, or study more (as helpful as that still would be).


As many gut-wrenchingly stupid, painful, and straight-up wrong decisions I've made and experiences I've had, there are very, very few things that I regret doing/happening enough to actually undo them.

There are far more things that i wish i had done.

There are too many people that i wish i could be close with now.

There are too many pictures that i wish i would have just taken.

There are too many things that i wish i had invested the time and effort into to be good at or knowledgeable in.

There have been too many moments and chances ruined by my indecisiveness, or by anxiety.

i hate this more than anything else in my life.


I freak out a little (sometimes a lot) every time i think about how very lacking in skills and talent i am.

I've been told many times in many different ways, "Nonsense, Rachel! You don't suck at everything. Everybody has special talents, and things that they're good at! Blah blah..."

Every time i hear something like that, i wonder what would happen if i were to quote Syndrome: "When everyone's super, no one will be!"

...but again, I refrain.

I do understand that for people who are good at things, their skills are usually 20% innate talent and 80% intentional practice or honing of those skills. I have actually stopped practicing things because of fear that i would never succeed despite any amount of practice, or because i was afraid i would be spending too much time and energy on the "wrong" thing.

I'm tired of waiting around and looking for the "right" things to pursue, the things i'm supposedly predisposed toward. The things i know about myself, my personality, my spiritual gifts, and even my likes/dislikes have not taken me very far. I have decided that even if i suck at everything for the rest of my life, i don't want it to be for the lack of trying and giving it my best and most personal work. If i want to do or learn something, now i will do it, with my utmost, rather than with hesitation and reservation. This would actually better reflect my own ideals, which are too often hidden in my life. Especially with relationships.


いざや様、this is going to sound really creepy (it is), but i often have [flippin weird]dreams about you. A lot of the time, they are nightmares. I don't understand why, because we really don't spend much time together at all, and we aren't very close friends, as much as i wish we were. I've woken in a panic more than once after dreaming of you leaving forever, never giving me a chance to ask all the questions i want to ask you, know all that i want to know of you, or even say goodbye. It's scary because it's more than likely to actually happen. Why i Love you and desire closeness to some degree with you is an entirely different blog post. I am sorry for falling short of being a friend. I am sorry for the foolish, cowardly things i've done and words i've said that ended up  annoying, disgusting, and hurting you.


Japan was one of the best decisions i have ever made. Even though there were still too many things that i didn't do, i still can't believe that i actually did go and see and do and eat all the things and that i did meet and talk to all the people and that i did learn all the things that i did. It was so unlike me, yet i felt most Myself. I want to be closer to the Japanese me again.

To いざや and anyone else i've claimed to care about: i won't promise that i'll be able to be a good friend. I will do whatever it takes to be the best friend i can be to each of you, really listen to you, be vulnerable and honest with you, spend quality time with you even if it's some activity that i'm not really into or good at, and have my coffee order down in 10 seconds or less.