Stand Alone Complex

"Why do I feel like I'm disconnected from you?"

 I don't know. Probably because/for the same reasons that everything feels disconnected from me. It's as if my Ghost is no longer compatible with this shell, and is now decaying... but when did i ever transfer from one shell to another?

 ...i may or may not stop the anime references now.

I can't connect with myself in the ways i thought i used to. Learning, speaking, reading, and calligraphy-ing 日本語　doesn't bring out the beautiful things it used to. Music still does, but in different ways. I sat down at the piano the other day, and it was like trying to grasp a language i hadn't heard or used since early childhood. depressing. Photography, though, is wonderful because it's creative and expressive. There are strategies and rules, but not too many. It's something that allows for constant improvement. Though i can't really set any concrete goals to achieve, that constant improvement is tangible. Things like that are important to me.

 I cannot connect with the people i so desperately long to connect with, listen to, care for, know, and love. I've worked at it from several different angles, i've made what little scraps of myself i have to offer vulnerable, even pursuing things i'm not otherwise interested in, and- nothing. It's been exhausting and frustrating, trying to figure out what i'm doing right and what i'm doing wrong.　I can't thank いざや様 and Nemesis enough for making me feel like maybe i can have/make friends; for connecting with me, listening, sharing your own thoughts, and just letting me be present in your home. i felt much more Me than i had been in a while.

 I can't really disconnect from my Creator. i can pretend to be independent, strong, capable, and knowing enough of things and myself to achieve goals and orchestrate my own life, and i have been doing that, but the way things have turned out further shatter how i can view myself and do things that way. i don't *feel* connected to Him, but i know enough by now to know that doesn't really matter. i know the basics of what He wants from me, and i'm currently trying to know those things more deeply and what i need to do to tame and shift my own desires.

What do i desire at this point?

 -intimacy
-knowledge
-skills
-a job would be nice
-freedom
-Home.

 I really don't know what to do right now, so i'm going to pursue those things where they overlap with Him, and with helping and serving other people, and with growth.

 You are supposedly supposed to be most intimate with me. You spend more time and exchange more words with me than anyone else. I've noticed the weird distance between us too, and it hurts to not be able to just fix it and stop hurting you. I honestly don't have an explanation, unless it is hiding even from myself.