birdbrain

I really wish I could have enjoyed tonight/contributed to its enjoyability so much more than I did. I was extremely happy to see you, be next to you, and hear your voice. Jess was the pleasantest surprise. There were many moments when you both reminded me of me. But the coffee was too acidic, and amplified the barf-y feelings from my barf-y thoughts. I was listening intently to you, and loving every minute of it, but part of me wanted to run out the door and go hide alone in my room for four months. I'm glad I didn't. Instead I gave you a reluctant and thankful goodbye, came home, sang a little, did some homework, and dumped some words into some drafts until I didn't feel like vomiting so much. Then, I looked around my imagined space in my brain at the piles and piles of amasses suitcases of thoughts and expressions from the past year and longer that haven't been unpacked yet. My nausea kind of makes sense now. Nothing else really does; maybe that's why blogging regularly now is a good idea. ...Better late than never?


 Bonus for the awfulness of this post: Some not-so-fun facts about me
I am ridiculously jealous. Whether you are a friend, very close friend, or romantic interest, I secretly want to have you all to myself and get a tad upset when I don't. When you have bunches of other cool persons that you spend time, travel, joke, share food, display affection, or have awesome conversations with, I feel happy for you because i Love you and want you to have and experience all those good things. I, however am not someone who has many people to share things of that sort with. I just don't have as much butter to spread around as other people. I simply can't function with my heart poured into more than a few choice vessels. If you are someone I intentionally share some degree of intimacy and/or spend time with, you are a very large tasty pie slice of my world and all that I live for. I know that I'm not entitled nor deserving to feel possessive of anyone. I'm not a significant enough part of anyone else's life (save for the Tae) for that, but that doesn't stop me from feeling all sorts of crap.
I don't unpack things. Seriously. I still haven't completely unpacked my things from my return from Japan. and from Cambodia. and from last semester's backpack.