Nightmares are the norm for me, and as to be expected, there are a few recurring ones that like to come back to haunt me every now and then. I've had only two recurring dreams that are actually pretty pleasant.
The first is memorably enjoyable mostly for the feelings i have while i'm dreaming it. I'm in some sort of someplace that has a large dancefloor. It's dark except for some moody lighting, the air is smoky, and there are a lot of people around, but i don't feel crowded. I'm in the midst of them on the floor, dancing in a cobalt blue dress that makes me feel both really comfortable and really attractive. I can never remember what kind of music is playing, but it's something awesome and perfect for dancing. i don't feel the slightest bit of anxiety, self-consciousness, or awkwardness. I just dance- feeling free, weightless, alive, and very much myself- while surrounded by some people i love being around.
The days i wake up from that dream are usually the days i get all the things done that i intend to, plus a bit extra, and am able to feel satisfied with how i did them.
The first is memorably enjoyable mostly for the feelings i have while i'm dreaming it. I'm in some sort of someplace that has a large dancefloor. It's dark except for some moody lighting, the air is smoky, and there are a lot of people around, but i don't feel crowded. I'm in the midst of them on the floor, dancing in a cobalt blue dress that makes me feel both really comfortable and really attractive. I can never remember what kind of music is playing, but it's something awesome and perfect for dancing. i don't feel the slightest bit of anxiety, self-consciousness, or awkwardness. I just dance- feeling free, weightless, alive, and very much myself- while surrounded by some people i love being around.
The days i wake up from that dream are usually the days i get all the things done that i intend to, plus a bit extra, and am able to feel satisfied with how i did them.
The thought of living a fulfillment of that dream blows my mind. I can't imagine being in public or even among friends and feeling almost hedonistically liberated and present- aware of all sensory input, and not in a hypertense, anxious way at all. It probably seems really silly and dumb to be in such awe and (fine, i'll say it) longing of something so simple and vague and likely commonplace for a lot of people.
...yet this dream is only beautiful because it is so ephemeral- a diamond of crude ice sculpture, shiny wet with transience, it's only destiny to melt into hevel. i don't get to see what it took to get me to that place, or where and how i end up after everything dies down and i'm alone again. i'm glad that i don't; that it's just one of those tiny framed moments hung in empty space that only dreams can hold.
It kind of saddens me that when my subconscious can finally let loose and break layer after buttery flaky layer of passions, fears, conflicts, ideas, convictions, desires, and eternity, the *best* it can come up with reflects things that are so shallow and static.
If this were to become dream "come true," as has happened to me in a few cases (no visions of winning lottery tickets or the cure for cancer yet), i'm sure it would be sad and disappointing. i want some of the things i have and feel in that phantasmagorical moment, but i don't think i want to be that person and pursue them.
Kristina is already planning a night out to celebrate my 21st birthday on the Vegas strip. I'll humor her and let her have fun deciding where to go and what to do. i'll just be happy watching her and whoever else we're with have a good time. i do know what i'll be wearing, though.
i might want to reread this later. sort of like how i want to re-eat my entire meal sometimes (including dessert).
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