Today, a
Thousands of people and places and moments stuttered and flashed like a broken one of those old-fashioned film thingies in my memory, and superimposed over all of them were your facial expressions- thoughtful, adoring, blissful, sleeping, amused, confused, enraged, bitter, tearful, hardened- your voice, your words, the warmth of your hands saving mine from hypothermic gangrenous death, shapes of your dumb feet, the way it felt to be completely myself and completely connected with yourself.
i miss you.
i said it as if you had died.
That's kind of what it feels like. When i'm alone, i weep and shake as if mourning your death. i have all these pictures and words and pieces of memorabilia that constantly remind me of someone i can no longer reach. There are all these plans that were abruptly left partially fulfilled, or never to be touched at all- a future of possibilities that now has to go to the grave with you. i mourn these things too as i now have to learn how i'm going to live without you. Things turned out as best as they possibly could when it comes to an ended relationship, and i'm thankful for that, but i still hate it.
On Sundays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, you miraculously come back from the dead, and i'm sorry that sometimes i can't help but turn pale, speechless, and wide-eyed as if seeing a ghost. You aren't a ghost. You're very much you, very much actually in front of me, very tangible, yet still untouchable.
In some ways, your death is quite real, so in effort to get better, i'll continue to mourn you thusly.
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